How to handle Jehovah's Witness (Pt 1)

This week is going to be pretty hectic for me as I have a lot of writing to do on other projects.  So forgive me if this week’s rant isn’t as long as it normally is (Hey, no cheering back there!  I hear you!).  

So… what to talk about?  Let’s talk about evangelizing.  Now, I’m a Christian, and even I get annoyed when people come to my door to talk about religion.  Hey, I love to talk to religion as much as the next guy, but I dunno, talking to strangers isn’t my thing.  Is it just my paranoia or do you also imagine them suddenly pulling out a knife and stabbing you in the throat with it?  That always goes through my mind when I answer the door and it’s a stranger there.  Hey, race doesn’t matter, it could be black, white, Chinese, Mormon, it’s all the same.  So what I like to do is just open the door a crack, so I can just stick out my head (You know, limit my exposure) and talk to them there.  But then I realize it gives the impression that I don’t want them to see the rest of me, like I’m naked or something.  So then I’m swinging the door open and ajar to show them, yes I’m fully clothed, but still ready to close the door at the mere glimpse of a gun.  Yeah, I got reflexes of a cheetah!  I don’t know how well the door would handle under a fusillade of bullets, but every inch between me and a bullet is an inch closer to life.  Maybe I’ve been watching too many movies.  But it never hurts to be ready.  

So, I’m answering the door, swinging it to and fro like a bunny hopped up on speed, and it’s a well-dressed boy, with a bike.  If that doesn’t scream Jehovah’s Witness, I don’t know what does.  First rule of thumb when dealing with them.  Don’t let them talk.  Just look down at them with a sneer and say something like, “No thanks, I already have the Foreman Grill.  It works wonders!”  Then while they reel in confusion, casually mention that the Alien Zorg who is your supreme commander, doesn’t like it when you talk to strangers.  Then slam the door.

However, if this is a well-experienced Witness, they’ll start speaking even before you’ve unlocked your door.  Now you’re stuck hearing his entire spiel.  You can’t interrupt him because when you try, he just raises his hands, with the palms down, in a reassuring motion, to let you know, it’s ok, I’m almost done talking, just give me the 5 minutes to run through my speech.  Now you’re stuck.  What do you do?  Panic?  Scream?  Well, whatever you do, never

Well, this has gone pretty long.  To be continued on Thurs!