Reason 5- Praying out loud

Do you remember back in high school or college (whether that was yesterday or ten years ago), getting up in front of the class to give a presentation? Thankfully, I didn’t have to give many because I’m pretty shy, and there’s probably no worse fear for someone like me than to stand in front of hundreds of eyes and entertain them. I can still see them all staring at me, looking at my ratty clothes, some already yawning before my mouth has even opened to speak. My hands are shaking, and my whole body is getting chills. Finally after what seems like an eternity in silence, I say, eloquently: “Uh… my … uh.. name… is.. uhhh-ohhh… N-n-nathan.”

I don’t know about you, but when I was writing up what I was going to say the week or night before, I never imagined I would be stuttering and mumbling my way through it. When I write, I picture in my head what I’m saying and boy, how funny that line is or how interesting this subject is. In my head, I’m Winston Churchill or Billy Graham. I’m alternating my pitch, sometimes lowering my voice to a whisper so that people would strain to hear. I’d talk fast, then slow down, I’d use my arms and wave and gesticulate with precision. I’m writing things on chalkboards with an even line, not all slanty and trailing like other people. I always liked to start with a joke, you know, ease the tension, let the peeps know, “Hey, this isn’t another boring lecture on the symbolism and foreshadowing of Macbeth’s wife’s dream.” Once again I must stress, this is what I imagined it would be. Oh reality can be such a cruel kick in the crotch.

That’s why later on, I started to practice speaking out loud in front of the mirror. What goes on in my head may sound awesome if I’m JFK may sound awful coming from my slurred, strangely-accented voice. And forget about “thinking on the fly”, I’m no good at that. I can’t use bullet points for my speech because I know I’ll forget something or worse, I’ll start going off on a tangent and then forget what I was originally speaking about (I know, I know, it’s hard to tell I do that huh? I mean, whatever gave you that idea I like to wander? There was this time back in elementary school…). So I would stand in the middle of my room, imagining all my furniture is in their underwear, and practice my speech out loud. It’s one of the worst things to do (no, I’m not talking about the furniture imagery), to hear yourself talk for 10 minutes and realize that you have nothing left to say and you still have oh another 20 minutes to kill. I don’t know if you know this, but when I get nervous, I start talking faster because I want to make sure everything is out there, in the air, so that I can forget it. It’s like draining a water cooler, all my ideas are in my head and the faster it flows out, the sooner I can sit down. So, I have to redo my speeches again and again, mentally forcing myself to speak slower and slower, until I have 20 minutes of speech. Oh, then that’s when I start adding presentations and pictures, that kills the rest of the time.

So… you’re wondering what does this have to do with prayer meetings. Well, when I pray to God, I usually pray in my head. Sometimes I would imagine I was one of those deeply spiritual African Americans, with the sing-songy prayers going up and down. Sometimes I imagine I was like my dad praying, crying out loud (in my head) and beseeching God. But praying out loud is completely different. My aunt had told me to start praying out loud, and it’s such a different skill. I have trouble forming words to say. I repeat myself, and I stutter A LOT. That dreaded word, “um”, occurs frequently as well, whereas in my head it’s non-existant. Often there’s an awkward silence as I struggle to pray about something new rather than repeat what I just said a moment ago. Now you see why I don’t go to prayer meetings? Because then I’d have to pray out loud, in the spur of the moment. I can’t think fast enough for my mouth to talk. So as I struggle for the right words to say, a silence grows, because well, everyone is listening to me. And then I’m panicking and words come out all slurred and wrong.

So do you know what I do? This is bad, because I’m not listening to others pray, but I start thinking in my head what to pray about. I make up quick bullet points, and rehearse and rehearse what I’m going to pray about when it’s my turn. Unfortunately, this results with me not really paying attention to what the other person is praying. But at least, when my time comes, I don’t sound like an idiot.