Reason 4 - Personal Stuff

Previously, I have talked a little about intimacy, and the fact that while others are sharing some really serious issues, I just share about surface, material things. One reason is that those are things that I worry the most. But the second thing is, it’s very, very scary to bring up real personal things. In a workshop a LONG TIME ago, someone told us about the different levels of communication. I believe it was the first Baptist retreat I had been to, and I wasn’t used to the rigor of the activities. I figured…retreat means to get away from the business of life, and it shares the same first two letters as relax and rest. So, I wasn’t fully prepared for all the things we did. In other words, I slept through many of the workshops. But at least I usually listened to the first ten or twenty minutes before the siren call of the very comfortable and soft couch calls to me. So, I know that there are 5 or maybe 6,7? levels of communication. I know the first level is definitely shallow and it supposedly gets deeper as you go up the levels. When people talk on the first level, they ask about the weather and job and stuff like that. Safe topics. Things that aren’t likely to cause tables and chairs to be thrown. The deeper the levels you go, the more vulnerable you are and zzzzzzz…..

Yeah, that’s about all I remember. So my point is, that when I go to prayer meetings, I go in with the mindset of only talking in level 1 or 2 communication. Sure, I share a little more personal things than the weather. I share about any financial hardships or the little aches and pains that occur daily. But I don’t share my innermost thoughts. Why? It’s simple. Because I don’t know these people. The number one barrier to really opening up to someone is the reaction the other person or group would have once you tell them something. Everyone has some level of self-image, and revealing things, dirty secrets, may sully their view of you. And you, oh so want to be liked! I mean, these are fellow church-goers! You’re going to see them every Sunday and what if they tell others? You might have to move and change your identity, go into the witness protection program.

The second thing to consider about airing your personal laundry is that there is always a chance the people in the prayer group can use that information against you. Sure, it sounds despicable, but it doesn’t even have to be intentional. I’m not talking about outright blackmail, but I’m thinking about the unconscious methods people use. Once you tell people a secret, it changes your relationship with them. Always. It can even be well-meaning. Here’s an obvious example. Let’s say that I’m battling an addiction to alcohol. And I reveal this struggle during a prayer meeting. The next time they see me at a social function, they might start hiding their drinks from me, checking their breaths to make sure it doesn’t smell of alcohol. Sure, they think they’re helping me by removing temptations from me, but now our relationship has changed. They don’t see me as Nate, the weird guy, anymore. Now they see me as Nate, the weird guy who is an alcoholic. Now, they have to be careful not to make drinking jokes and to keep an eye on me to make sure I don’t “fall off the wagon”.

Relationships change. It’s an organic thing that grows and stretches. Usually the more pain it causes, the more the relationship grows… within reason, of course. Sometimes, the pain can be more than the relationship can handle, and it dies. In order for people to become close with one another, there needs to be trust. And the best way to build up trust is to share things about yourself. What others do with that information is how you decide how much to trust them. Trust is a slow process, and it needs to be in a stable environment. The fewer the people, the easier it is to form a trusting relationship. Share a little bit at a time and gauge people’s reactions to it. Let love (due to the generalization of the English language, this may sound weird. But I’m talking about friendship love (Philia) here. (Boy I wonder how many parentheses (sp?) I can nest within this parenthesis…)) grow so it can cushion the pain. And this is something that is very hard to do at prayer meetings.

Most prayer meetings are open to everyone, which means the attendees can be different each time. People pop in and out. Visitors curious about the church can show up unannounced. Sometimes the group can be huge, with 20 people, and sometimes it can be very intimate with only 2 or 3 people. Not everyone is regular. This kind of environment is not conducive for the slow, steady, regular process of building trust. It’s no wonder people just talk on the first or second level. Every week, it resets itself.

So you’re probably asking yourself, “Nate, all you do is whine and complain. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” Well, my readers, I, in fact, do have some suggestions. Keep the groups small. This may seem like I’m contradicting myself here, but bear with me. When the prayer meeting group has more than 6 regulars, split the group further into 2-3 people each. Ensure that every group has 1 or 2 regulars, and never split the groups haphazardly. What this means is don’t divide the groups based on chance and luck. Every regular has a pre-assigned group to go to, which they will go to all the time. This will foster the stable environment which builds trust. Visitors can be asked or assigned to groups, or better yet have them form their own group. Obviously, be attentive and supportive when someone’s sharing. Don’t look around the room, at the pretty lights, or at everyone who passes by the door. Make sure to interject with some “uh-huh”s “is that so?”, “that ain’t right”’s as needed. And just like in the Green Mile, remember, “What happens on the mile (prayer group) stays on the mile (prayer group). Always has.”